Enjoyed reading this. I have a similar story w.r.t. English. Colonial hangover in India. A family that wanted me to be better in it. Convent school. Read a lot of English fiction. At some point it became as comfortable to me as my mother tongue - Tamil. And over time perhaps even more comfortable than my own mother tongue since all the time I spent online was in English. Work demanded it. I thought it it.
But I realized two things: 1. Knowing english came with vague sense of superiority in India as if people who could speak it were better. This annoyed me immensely over time. 2. My culture (very much your point) was still very India and even more so Tamil (in fact, I find cultural alienness in many parts of India more so than in some other parts of the world). I really embraced my cultural way of thinking more because the english world I knew emphasized individual aggrandizement whereas in Tamil way of life it was often veering towards humility. Also, I embraced the idea of rooting for the underdog which is a very Tamil way of life. So, essentially its a mess of ideas and cultures right now that I probably fit a bit everywhere and never perfectly anywhere. :)
Comments like this are why I write! :’) Thank you for sharing.
I LOVE the term “colonial hangover”— there is sooo much we can talk about here and I do think it affects the way I/society relate to the British, still. In some wealthier districts too, we’ve found that staff in shops don’t speak Chinese at all, only English. It’s only the tip of the iceberg. It’s getting better, but as a lot of nations know, history has a way of lingering and leaving its fingers in things years after the fact.
At least you have Tamil to fall back on or be a suitable alternative! I’m wondering if both languages serve different purposes for you or has its own charms (do you have any Tamil poetry recommendations for example? 😆) I’m learning to appreciate the finer aspects of Chinese now (lit/history/poetry) and it’s slowing losing its shell as merely being a practical language of communication and gathering more weight for me.
To be honest, I have kind of abandoned Tamil over years except in the form of movies, songs and popular culture (and feel terrible about it most of the time). I need to start reading books and poetry in it. Whenever I have heard it spoken and talked about, it appeals to me immensely at a visceral level. If you are interested to dip your toe in poetry, Thirukkural (which is basically about 1300 odd couplet poems each one a standalone) maybe a good starting point. It has lots of interesting ideas presented in the form of poems and is highly influential and about 2500 odd years old. This is a good site to explore: https://thirukkural.io/
Hmm. I do think the popularisation of ancient stories and tales (e.g. like movies, songs, etc.) are a good stepping stone into venturing into the deeper meatier historical stuff out there though (which has been the case for me that watching tv dramas is a great stepping stone to learning about chinese history). This collection is amazing! I do feel like most of Indian literature that I hear about as a foreigner are either Sanskrit or Hindi, so it's great to have more representation of other languages.
The imposter syndrome may never go away, but your writing has the most important thing which is personality - that comes from your unique journey, as a tourist or otherwise, and will always be there even on days that your English deserts you.
Awww thanks Leon :') (and also for being such a supportive reader!!!!) I do feel like it's less of a problem now, which is probably why I can write about it.
But I always have the feeling I can express myself much better when I write and I can't express myself fully when I speak, though this may be more of a personality thing rather than a language/English thing. Or maybe it's an introvert thing? I wonder if you have a similar feeling.
I think it’s all of the above, but first and foremost a writer thing! You have a podcast so you must feel some level of comfort in being able to articulate yourself verbally, but at the same time you know that with time and craft you can say so much more, and more artfully.
I’m much the same and am very introverted in person. That is until we get onto one of my “topics du jour” at which point I will watch in helpless horror as the words bolt out of the gates, never to return …
yay welcome back dear! it made my day seeing your newest post first thing in the morning :) i enjoyed reading this. the part about 'how's it going?' makes me wonder what the cantonese equivalent would be as a standard conversation opener...or whether we just start our small talk banter in different ways.
Awww that’s very sweet of you. I think in Chinese a lot of people say “have you eaten?” though I’m not sure if it’s the same amongst the younger generation.
Enjoyed reading this. I have a similar story w.r.t. English. Colonial hangover in India. A family that wanted me to be better in it. Convent school. Read a lot of English fiction. At some point it became as comfortable to me as my mother tongue - Tamil. And over time perhaps even more comfortable than my own mother tongue since all the time I spent online was in English. Work demanded it. I thought it it.
But I realized two things: 1. Knowing english came with vague sense of superiority in India as if people who could speak it were better. This annoyed me immensely over time. 2. My culture (very much your point) was still very India and even more so Tamil (in fact, I find cultural alienness in many parts of India more so than in some other parts of the world). I really embraced my cultural way of thinking more because the english world I knew emphasized individual aggrandizement whereas in Tamil way of life it was often veering towards humility. Also, I embraced the idea of rooting for the underdog which is a very Tamil way of life. So, essentially its a mess of ideas and cultures right now that I probably fit a bit everywhere and never perfectly anywhere. :)
Comments like this are why I write! :’) Thank you for sharing.
I LOVE the term “colonial hangover”— there is sooo much we can talk about here and I do think it affects the way I/society relate to the British, still. In some wealthier districts too, we’ve found that staff in shops don’t speak Chinese at all, only English. It’s only the tip of the iceberg. It’s getting better, but as a lot of nations know, history has a way of lingering and leaving its fingers in things years after the fact.
At least you have Tamil to fall back on or be a suitable alternative! I’m wondering if both languages serve different purposes for you or has its own charms (do you have any Tamil poetry recommendations for example? 😆) I’m learning to appreciate the finer aspects of Chinese now (lit/history/poetry) and it’s slowing losing its shell as merely being a practical language of communication and gathering more weight for me.
To be honest, I have kind of abandoned Tamil over years except in the form of movies, songs and popular culture (and feel terrible about it most of the time). I need to start reading books and poetry in it. Whenever I have heard it spoken and talked about, it appeals to me immensely at a visceral level. If you are interested to dip your toe in poetry, Thirukkural (which is basically about 1300 odd couplet poems each one a standalone) maybe a good starting point. It has lots of interesting ideas presented in the form of poems and is highly influential and about 2500 odd years old. This is a good site to explore: https://thirukkural.io/
Hmm. I do think the popularisation of ancient stories and tales (e.g. like movies, songs, etc.) are a good stepping stone into venturing into the deeper meatier historical stuff out there though (which has been the case for me that watching tv dramas is a great stepping stone to learning about chinese history). This collection is amazing! I do feel like most of Indian literature that I hear about as a foreigner are either Sanskrit or Hindi, so it's great to have more representation of other languages.
Welcome back, Clare. Looking forward to more of your reclamation of the English language (and maybe even some angry emails too!)
hahaha thanks dear!!!
The imposter syndrome may never go away, but your writing has the most important thing which is personality - that comes from your unique journey, as a tourist or otherwise, and will always be there even on days that your English deserts you.
Awww thanks Leon :') (and also for being such a supportive reader!!!!) I do feel like it's less of a problem now, which is probably why I can write about it.
But I always have the feeling I can express myself much better when I write and I can't express myself fully when I speak, though this may be more of a personality thing rather than a language/English thing. Or maybe it's an introvert thing? I wonder if you have a similar feeling.
I think it’s all of the above, but first and foremost a writer thing! You have a podcast so you must feel some level of comfort in being able to articulate yourself verbally, but at the same time you know that with time and craft you can say so much more, and more artfully.
I’m much the same and am very introverted in person. That is until we get onto one of my “topics du jour” at which point I will watch in helpless horror as the words bolt out of the gates, never to return …
Hahah what are one of the topics that would let open the floodgates? You’ve got me intrigued now… (I tread with caution)
Oh it’s nothing interesting … just whatever I am into at the moment, which tends to change every week or two 😅
Wonderful, Clare. I'm so proud of you for writing this and posting it. You're a courageous writer, and I'm looking forward to seeing more from you.
Thanks for dropping by and commenting Tiffany! Means a lot 💚
Loved this piece! Such a multi-layered, thoughtful, thought-provoking and beautiful reflection!
Thanks you Lavinia <3
yay welcome back dear! it made my day seeing your newest post first thing in the morning :) i enjoyed reading this. the part about 'how's it going?' makes me wonder what the cantonese equivalent would be as a standard conversation opener...or whether we just start our small talk banter in different ways.
Awww that’s very sweet of you. I think in Chinese a lot of people say “have you eaten?” though I’m not sure if it’s the same amongst the younger generation.